Monthly Archives: April 2011

1000 Views: Was It You?

I am overwhelmed with gratitude to all the people who clicked on this blog willingly, under duress, or by accident to get me to this milestone so quickly!

* T0 my 6 Riveted Subscribers:  Yes, that’s right, I have 6 subscribers! Thank you for giving me the courtesy click when I write a post.  I would not have passed 1000 if it were not because of you. It brightens my day to think that you read this thing.

* To my Facebook friends who unintentionally click on here;  or maybe you actually like coming here and haven’t told me; I would not be here without you!

* To my secret supporter who chooses to remain anonymous (and threatened blog boycott if I said his name) but clicks on my blog, every day, by accident or by intent, just to make me feel viewed; it is not unnoticed!

* To the hungry people who keep googling Jason’s Deli or Jason’s Deli Ice Cream and they keep having to read about Funny Bone and Ice Cream Karma…I thank you for liking ice cream and hope that you are more educated at dispensing self-serve ice cream as a result of reading that post.

* To those poor misdirected readers who are looking for glow in the dark wiffle ball or any  information on wiffle ball and get a poem about the sport written for two brothers, instead, Oops!  Thanks for the hits! Bad pun, not sorry!

* To those people who are looking for pontoon boat shirts and get to read about me being thrown into the water by my funny co-workers in the post, Pontoon Boat Splash, that must have been uncomfortable for you!

* To the people who google “good chat” and have to read a very long text sent to a friend about the challenges of having genuine conversations in this technological age, I hope you learned the lesson!

*To my unknowing blog mentor, The Good Greatsby, you have been very inspirational and your posts crack me up constantly, thank you! Please see blogroll for direct link to the laugh track.

* To my “characters” who have ridiculous busy schedules but still find the time to humor me and go on here.  What can I say? I offer a sincere thank you for getting me to write again. Your ridiculous antics are great fuel to get my creative energy flowing, so thank you so much.

The poll closes at 12:13pm tomorrow (Thursday, April 28)  for most fascinating character.  Funny Bone already won round 1 and has been deemed blog hero/star and gets to be a contributor on the blog. He was so overwhelmed when I told him that he won that he is leaving town for a couple of weeks to build his fan base abroad.  Blue Cowboy insisted on a re-count. Smash, oblivious that this is even happening, is currently winning.  I’m nervous but hope you, the riveted reader, will take the time to vote for whichever character drives this thing,  I mean, other than me.

Thanks for spending time with me.

Taking the Plunge

I was about leave for the day when Blue Cowboy and Funny Bone were attempting to one-up each other about their workouts this past weekend. So, of course, I chimed in and said I rode 35 miles on my bike that they deem unimpressive and they start reveling about their wonderfulness to each other again. Imagine each of them with a helium tank inflating their egos with it as their gloriousness continued to fill the room! ISH!

It may not surprise you that these two are in a tie in the run-off poll that started on Friday for most fascinating character. The poll closes on Thursday at 12:13pm. I am beyond riveted!

Before I left, Funny Bone challenged me to write a post that didn’t involve any of my characters.  Player, please… like I need a muse like you to spew!

It reminded me of a photo that Funny Bone had sent me when he was on a skiing vacation earlier this year.  He was bragging about his skiing prowess but later I looked at the photo and while his thumb was up, I saw snow all over the orifice on which he sits.  Leaving me to believe that perhaps my muse had wiped out before the photo was taken.

The thought of him plunging down a hill and having a little tumble makes me a bit giddy.  Of course, I wouldn’t want him to get hurt. But, it took me back to an experience I had while downhill skiing in 6th grade.

My 6th grade class went on a day field trip to a skiing hill in Wisconsin. My brother and his friend from his class, got to go as skiing authorities/chaperones to make sure none of us wounded ourselves too dramatically during our time there.

I had only skied one time before and really had no clue what I was doing.  I saw a friend of mine have awesome momentum and soar down the hill like an eagle on skis…into a cornucopia of twigs and trees that clearly was not meant for skiing traffic. I just remember it took her a LONG time to get out of there!

I tried not to be jarred by seeing my trapped classmate. It’s all about envisioning perfection and I have always been competitive so for me, it wasn’t technique, it was all speed.  If a monkey could have wings on skis, that was I cruising down the hill like the next gold medalist in slalom in the bunny hill event. In fact, this is how my brother and his friend remember my trip down the hill.

My brother said to his friend, while on the ski lift, “Wow, look at the girl fly!”

My brother’s friend responds, “That’s no girl, that’s your sister!”

Then the speeding monkey with wings on skis did a 360 in the air and landed on the orifice on which she sits with the skis underneath resembling a pile of pick-up sticks.

One of my lenses on my glasses popped out into the snow.

Weeping, an older boy came rushing toward me and found my other lens and popped it in my frame so I could see him.  What a mensch! He kept me company until my brother raced down the hill to assess my wounded pride.

The bro saw that I was shivering and graciously gave me his dry, warm gloves and he wore my wet, cold mittens.  That is such a warm and fuzzy moment that it could melt ice cubes; but it really happened.

I haven’t been downhill skiing since; I’m still thawing out.

Give Me Paint By Numbers

I Was Always Better At Paint By Numbers

As I watched the Easter greetings cascade down my Facebook home page this weekend,  I thought about my favorite Easter memory. 

Flashback to a couple of years ago, a friend invited me over to paint some Easter eggs.  I have only done this exercise a handful of times in my life.

I was very intrigued.

Not surprisingly, I was drawn to the blue, green, and purple color combo that coincides with the Easter pastel theme nicely.

My friend took this activity very seriously.  She gave us instructions, designated supplies, and we had an egg quota production to meet. Before I knew it, I was painting eggs for the other guests.  My designs were silly but my eggs overfloweth!

Yes, I was always better at paint by numbers as the designs on the eggs clearly show; but it was fun.

Happy Easter. 

Blue Cowboy Wants A Re-Count!

Blue Cowboy is much more into this poll than I thought! Funny Bone graciously offered to keep the polls open until he leaves the country. So, there is a run-off with the top three vote getters and the poll closes at 12:13pm on Thursday, April 28. May the most fascinating character win! To make it more interesting, you CAN vote more than once…but I’ll be impressed if you vote even once!

P.S. Different prizes for winning this one!

Post Poll Partum

I just watched the last episode of “The Office” and it struck a nerve and now my post has been hijacked by images of  Michael charged with emotion and pain. Scenes like that are happening in offices all around the country.  In the good news category,  I couldn’t help but notice that Dutch, Smash, Blue Cowboy, and Funny Bone were all wearing blue shirts today…and Rookie had a great blue tie and the day before I saw Koosh Ball Blue in this blue tie/shirt combination that just popped! But, enough about color therapy.

The last two days have been full of character antics and blue shirts. Here are some of my favorite moments.

#5 I told Baby Face about the poll and he just smiled bashfully and looked down…comparable to his vote count which is VERY down! I assured him that just because his vote count was zero does not mean that I think of HIM as a zero.

#4 Dutch found out about the poll and said, “I’m going to win this thing, easy.”…Can’t win if you don’t vote. I think he’s still trying to find the link.

#3 I was talking to Smash and alerted him to the reality that he was in my poll and he responded, I’m not surprised. I’ve been a big deal since I came out of the womb.”

#2 Blue Cowboy sauntered about the office with his fingers in his belt loops professing his brilliance. If I had a piece of hay to insert in his mouth to complete the image for you, I would.  I sat down with BC today to break to him that he was getting crushed by one of the other characters in the poll. It went like this:

Don’t even tell me…Funny Bone probably voted for himself. I don’t want to hear about it!  His brother voted for him, too, I bet.”

He was really agitated. Yet, he had no ability to go vote for himself. But, seriously, how can I feel sorry for someone who challenges me to create a voting poll but then he doesn’t even bother to vote!

#1 During the past month, I would let Funny Bone know that I had added a post (good chance he was in it) and each day, he would say, “I meant to look but I forgot.” Or, my personal favorite: “Your posts are like dessert, I need something to look forward to but I haven’t eaten yet.”

Yesterday, I was ready for another round of deception. However, he was transfixed. He kept gazing at his monitor as if he had found his new best friend.  His eyes kept rolling down the screen with incredible focus. Amused, intrigued, and soaking in all the words…




Funny Bone wins an all-expense-paid -by -HIMSELF trip out of the country for two weeks! Yay for him; but what the hell am I going to write about while he’s gone?! Surely, we have all been through S.A.W.-  Smart A$$ Withdrawal.

He also is charged with having to think about me anytime he sees a blue shirt, avocados, or someone tripping in a very embarrassing manner since I won’t be there to do it for him!

The best part?  He has secured a spot as contributor on this blog. When he actually cashes in on this power, this should be very amusing. Oh brother…

Which Character Makes Me Type A Post Without Even Trying?

Oh Brother…
I had a conversation with one of my characters today, who confidently declared that HE was the reason that people keep coming back to my blog.  Maybe.

I’m not going to lie. My characters are real people and have HUGE egos. Whoever wins this poll will probably say to me in the following order:

a) I told you so.
b) I always knew I was your favorite but now I am everyone else’s too.
c) Kisses his own biceps and says, “Gotta Love These Guns.”
d) Asks me to hold a mirror for him and then smiles admiringly at the reflection looking back at him and says, “Wow, I really am good-looking.”

But, the way I see it is I have five major contenders for top billing here and I want to know, who should get the attention going forward? I mean, other than the attention he is clearly giving himself?

Who has riveted you to the point where you are actually curious and want to hear more? Trust me, they ALL give me material and all are endearing to me on their own individual merits.

Maybe you just like the sound of the name.

Maybe you are just so eager with anticipation, hoping that one of these characters will grace another post so that you can be entertained, once again. I feel your pain.

And, I assure you, regardless of who the winner is, they all tie in my book! But, hey, the people have spoken and the floor is now yours. You may have to look back at some of my posts to make an educated vote.  May I suggest some obvious posts to bring you up to speed?

Ice Cream Karma

Smash Mockery

Blue Shirt Tranquility

It’s Hard to Have the Blues with 500 Views

Doting Swan or Swan Yawn?

Doting Swan or Swan Yawn?

I took this picture last year on a peaceful summer day when I was at a local garden. The Garden is where I go to decompress and regenerate for the coming week.  I was impressed that I could catch the swan with outstretched wings shaped perfectly like a heart.

It’s interesting because the other two swans in front could not be less interested.  They are fixated on the food.  Do they not know what they missed standing behind them?

The other thought is that the beautiful swan is completely bored by watching Frick and Frack and yawns; and then transforms into this stunning pose.

Sadly, we will never know.

If anything, it’s a lesson in being more observant in what is around us at “that” moment. How often do we “intend” to do something and we don’t?

Perhaps it’s a suggestion to turn off the countdown clock to whatever event we are looking forward to, and instead living “that” moment… right now.

Impromptu Ixtapa

PSST…Wanna go to Ixtapa for 48 Hours??

Flashback to the early 2000s…

It was a typical day at work in January; I was scrubbing through accounts when my friend, Gidget, said she had to go on a “scouting trip” to Ixtapa.

Our office would be going there two months later but she questioned the quality of the hotel that we would be staying at and suggested that the property be checked out in person!  She needed an extra set of eyes to go with her…. oh, and we leave for the airport tonight.


To recap, you just found out that you are leaving for Mexico EARLY tomorrow morning and will be coming back home the next night!

You need to understand who Gidget is to fully appreciate the entertainment value of this quick trip.  Imagine big-eyed Lucille Ball playing “Lucy” stuck in the chocolate factory…baffled and bewildered, but also a database full of random (sometimes useless?! – kidding) tidbits.

The adventure began with Gidget getting pulled over by Customs for not “cooperating”.  It’s not that she was being uncooperative; it was that she wasn’t awake. To our relief, she woke up from her sleepwalk in time for us to safely cross the border.

The weather delivered a much-needed dose of sunshine as we checked out a few properties.  We were living large and I was in guacamole paradise as the various property managers tried to woo us with the fabulosity of their properties.

The system set up was perfect. Gidget gabbed in Spanish and handled the negotiation while I giddily consumed the various guacamole concoctions that were presented to me. “Mas! Mas!” 

The trip was a success. Not only were we treated well, we ended up switching the hotel for our division trip to a nicer one based on what we saw. Our division raved about the hotel when we returned there, two months later.

The hotel we stayed at had us in a “suite” which was two regular rooms with a door in between.  So, calling it a suite was much more grandiose than what it was.

I think the funniest moment (I can say this because it didn’t happen to me) was when Gidget had just taken a shower and was checking something out in my side of the suite and the door to her room flew shut from the wind outside!

Big deal, you think? She had proactively locked every possible entrance to her side, poof, she was stuck in her towel without means to gain entry back into her side of the room.   She started muttering, ‘Oh Sugar, Sugar, Sugar!” She was not one to swear overtly so saying a “sweet” word with intensity carries the same weight…

Gidget, in her towel, was entertaining the highly amused staff as they found a creative way to get her back into her side of the suite.

The next day, we were getting ready to check out of the room.  I heard, “Oh Sugar!” Now, again, understand, Gidget isn’t from the South, something was not right.

I walked over to “her” side and find that she was quite upset because she had lost her credit card, ID, or passport…in her wallet.  I appreciated her pain and listened to many “sweet” words come out of her mouth.  Fortunately, the card was right where she put it, in front of her nose, so to speak.  But, that happens to everyone!  The more we panic, the harder it is to find what we think we have misplaced. 

On the way back, Gidget wanted to experience Mexico City but all we could find was Hard Rock Cafe.

Not sure how a burger and fries would be considered a very “authentic” Mexico City experience?!

The cab ride to the airport was intense because it was Friday night rush hour and  the cab was NOT moving. The cabbie kept making me think we weren’t going to make it as his head continually shook in that “such a shame” kind of way. We magically made it back for our return home.

The past few weeks, I have talked to Gidget about this impromptu excursion and we agreed, those 48 hours were exhausting, crazy, and full of awesome scenery and memories. It was a great way to spend a couple of days of work!


Nebulous Glow Show

Lit Up Clouds

27 Days * Kissing 700 Views * Lots of Rain

As I listen to the pouring hail?! on this spring?! evening, it takes me back a to the above photo that was taken by me  in October 2008.  Now, let me stop you, I realize October is not in the spring! But I also realize these clouds are really fascinating to look at. It’s raining and nebulous glows tend to be present during this type of weather.

I love the marshmallow-like quality of the clouds and how they are backlit by the blue in the sky. It looks so calm yet you know there was a crazy storm before this photo was taken.

Perhaps, those clouds could  represent all of my voracious readers who patiently wait until some creation magically pops out of my head and gets translated via keystrokes onto this Blog.

Is it possible some reader has a cat? And the cat just dances on my Blog all day increasing my view count?

Or maybe, there are some toddlers lurking about and they are uncontrollably taken in by the vivid colors so the count keeps going up?

Maybe the characters in my Blog, out of respect to me, force all of their family and friends to read it. But. maybe the characters don’t actually read it themselves.  

My other theory is that people at work throw their stress balls up and down and play catch with their neighbors at certain times, for levity breaks – maybe sometimes the stress ball bounces onto the keyboard where my Blog was strategically placed as a Favorite, unbeknownst to them, and it keeps pulling up my Blog….

Probably not.  

By the way, I just want to let you know that I vow never to use “LOL” on here.  It’s not that I find fault with anyone who uses it but to me, it means “Lots of Lauren” and that would make me seem really arrogant if I kept referencing myself after every funny statement.

At any rate, I shall continue to dig into my creativity chest and find some witticisms to make your visit worthwhile!

Good Chat!

Good Chat!

Below is a text I sent my friend earlier today. It took a really long time to formulate this with my two thumbs so I took breaks. Okay, just kidding.  Side note:  Koosh Ball was upset that he didn’t get a shout out in my thank you post the other night. He said he was boycotting me, even though, I thought “YOU” pretty much had everyone covered.  He said I talk about Baby Face, Blue Cowboy, Funny Bone, Rookie, and Smash, but where is his day in the spotlight? At any rant, here I go. Read the rest of this entry

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